Note to Self

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Inspired by “Notebook Fragments” by Ocean Vuong

Older boys will kill you, mother said. I believed her.

Today I met an older boy. I’m terrified of the man I love, even though he’s the only one who believes me.

Close the door, daddy said. Turn off the lights, daddy said. You’re wasting electricity, daddy said. You’re wasting money, wasting water, wasting space, daddy said.

Listen to your dad, mommy said. You know you’re his jewel, his princess, right? Mommy said.

Note to self: The people who are killing you are also caring for you.

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This Is Why I Need You

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When He Left

Because you are the sky’s first song
Because you are what poured from my wounds like raindrops
Because you are what my lacrimal glands want back
Because you are all the things I hated
Because you are all the things I loved
Because you are the reason why I’m not breathing right
Because you are the reason why I’m not sleeping right
Because you are why I’m drowning
Because you are a puddle
Because you didn’t love me back
Because you never stayed long enough to love me back
Because you broke me
Because you didn’t need me
Because you are happy.

Because I don’t need you.
Because I am happy.