I Didn’t Mean To

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I’m Sorry

When I said “Sleep well” to bid you goodbye,
I didn’t expect you to say “You too Alex”.
I expected silence, or a “Good night”, or just “You too”.
When I told you I was suicidal I didn’t expect you to tell me you’ve already lost someone.
I didn’t expect you to tell me you thought I was a close friend.

My mother used to tell me that if I smiled long enough eventually I’d feel happy.
I didn’t want to tell her that the corners of my lips when they curled were the sharpest, most painful things I had ever come to own.
I used to apologise for feeling sad. When she told me to stop apologising I started punishing myself,
Pushing my weak body to the limits of human ability.
Eating until I wanted to puke,
Standing out into the sun until I got heatstroke,
Hitting my head against the wall until I nearly pass out,
Taking a shower so cold my body gave in and I fell ill the next day.

So when I came to you in desperation, while you were trying to sleep,
I didn’t expect you to respond.
You hadn’t been responding my texts lately.
So I never expected you to be here,
Telling me not to die.

Today I missed my stop.
I somehow ended up at the stop next to my ex’s place,
And I remembered that it was where I gave him the parts of me I didn’t know I could saved for myself.
The light was on in that house.
It never occurred to me that he would be eating, sleeping, doing work in that house,
He could go on with life like I never happened,
Another person will end up in his bedroom.
Like I had never happened.

It was never me that he wanted,
Instead it was a door, the escape route, a walkthrough,
A gateway to other people,
The kind of things I will never be able to give him.

So when the regret set in
When the realisation set in.
You, my friend, were the first person I thought to tell.
Because I wanted you, of all people, to know that I loved you.

Friend, if my life ends up in a pool of my own blood
Love me.
Love the way it wasn’t anyone else who made this choice,
Love me. Please still love me.

Friend, if my life end up in a pool of tears and regret,
Love me.
Don’t love the way I left, but please love me.
Love the memory of me I have left for you,
Friend, on nights you want to pretend I’m still here,
Remember just this,

I will always be online.

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